Welcome to Middle Earth, Mr Bond
by Enjoying Insanity
Summary: Normal person gets dropped in Middle Earth, right? WRONG. This time, James Bond, The Man With Many Girlfriends, 007, Secret Agent, has been launched into the world of Tolkien. What type of sick chaos will I have ensue?Not for faint of heart or Bond lovers
1. Enter: Bond and Eggbert

DISCLAIMER: Listen children, I'm only doing this ONCE. I do not own James Bond, nor anything associated with him. Sadly, I do not own any Elves either. Not legally anyway. *evil laughter* *abrupt stop to the laughter* Okay, back on topic...Tolkien owns everything Lord of the Rings oriented. I honestly don't know WHY I bother. You are stupid if you can't tell that I don't own James Bond or Lord of the Rings...Sheesh...  
  
A/N: NO, I am not giving up on either The Return of the Stupid OR This is Still My Life. I LOVE both of those fics. This is just used a brake from them, if I somehow have a writers block thing on either of them. So, never fear, I shall continue both!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
CHAPTER ONE: Enter: Bond and Eggbert  
  
James Bond, 007 of the British secret service, shook his head with a sigh. Moments ago he was readying his shiny, new gun, given to him by M to kill Alec Trevylen. The accursed beast simply wouldn't DIE. He had numerously shot the fiend in the head, wasting several rounds of ammunition, and yet Alec remained standing. It was amazing.  
  
Now though, his gun was pointed at thin air. Well, not exactly thin air, considering the fact that there was an enormous tree in front of his gun barrel. 'Where did Alec go? And where were all the dead guys I handsomely shot without ruin a single strand of hair?' James wondered curiously. Contrary to public belief, James had a huge ego, as well as a great affection for his looks. One man (We'll call him Eggbert, seeing as how he will be spoken of several times in this tale) was even quoted about his looks, saying, "I hate him so much. He's so perfect! I want to stick him in a blender THEN see how he looks!" But that had nothing to do with what was going on with James right now.  
  
It started as a simple mission; locate Alec, then shoot him. He needed lift one of his perfectly manicured fingernails to locate the criminal; the little, lower-ranked people did it all for him. He was even shipped off in a privet, first class jet. As far as James was concerned, the whole thing was simple.  
  
The moment James barged into Alec's headquarters, he sensed something was wrong. He had excellent senses, he admitted. It was one of the reasons he wasn't dead yet. He found Alec without much interference; the usual security was in order. Guards posted in hallways and doorways, cameras, etc. Nothing James Bond couldn't handle.  
  
But when he found Alec, he realized his senses were right. There was something fishy going on. Alec seemed to be the source too. He was standing over an ancient book that was at least a foot thick, by James's reckoning ("Not even close to how thick his skull is," comments our all-knowing friend, Eggbert). And he was chanting something, something that James couldn't decipher ("Hah! A flaw!" cries Eggbert).  
  
In the corner stood his only love...("This month" says Eggbert)...Betty Anne. She was bound and gagged, struggling wildly. Alec, that beast! James was furious that he do this his love, his only. He turned his attention back to Alec, shot Betty Anne one last smile of affection, and narrowed his eyes.  
  
"It's over, Alec!" James cried. He positioned his gun so the bullet would rocket right through Alec's brain. And Alec merely smiled, and dared James to pull the trigger. So he did. And nothing happened. Even after James had launched fifty-two some odd bullets in his head, he was still standing stock still, smiling evilly ("Bond is stupid enough to not notice that he can't kill the man, obviously," Eggbert scoffs).  
  
"You can't win, James," Alec had hissed and let out an insane laugh that chilled James to the bone.  
  
"I already have!" James shot back, ever the brave hot-shot the ladies wanted him to be. Alec clapped his hands once, and the world began to dissolve before James. He saw Alec's panicking face, and heard him shout something in a dismayed voice. And then he was no longer in Alec's hide out.  
  
James was currently in a dense, dark forest. He held his gun ready, slightly spooked at the darkness. He never did like sleeping without his night light...("What a wuss! Can take twenty bad guys, and yet he shrinks back because he's scared of the dark! Wimp..." Eggbert interjects.") But he must continue being the ever vigiliant ladies man. Women didn't like sissies. So he gathered his courage and snuck boldly off into the dark tree boughs.  
  
With stealthy grace, James ran through the forest. Not once did he run into a stray tree branch or fall on a seemingly invisible root. Okay, well, he ran into one twice, and tripped three times, but only because he was worried about Betty Anne. That was the ONLY reason. No, James Bond was not scared of a forest. ("Sure." Eggbert rolls his eyes.)  
  
That is, he wasn't scared until someone yelled, "Deri!" and a sharp objected was pointed at his head. 


	2. The Girl

CHAPTER TWO  
  
"Do you work for the Nazis?" James Bond heard someone say. Something sharp poked his shoulder. He bit back a cry. That hurt! But it was only a poke. He couldn't cry at a little poke. ("Yes you can. Cry, man, cry! Mwhahahahaha..." cackles Eggbert.)  
  
"Where am I?" he demanded and opened his eyes. A girl, maybe only fourteen or so, looked down at him. She jumped back, terror etched on her face.  
  
"LEGOLAS!!! IT'S JAMES BOND!!!!!" she yelled and began battering him with a stick. James tried to move, but found he was bound tightly by ropes. A man with long blond hair walked calmly over, apparently ignoring the young woman's frantic warning. He did however, stop her from hitting James even more.  
  
"Honestly, do you have to scream?" he asked the girl mildly. She nodded and frowned.  
  
"Of course I do. This is James Bond, after all. He's evil, and works for the communists! I swear he does!" she said loudly, as though it were obvious. She turned back to James, and said, "Are you really James Bond, or are you Pierce Brosnen?"  
  
"I am James Bond. I know nothing of this-this Pierce Brosnen," James said thinly. "I demand you untie me this instant! I am not evil!"  
  
"Sorry, man, no can do. You see, I hate you," the girl said just as curtly. The man-whose name must have been Legolas-sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Katie, don't be rude. Go find Haldir and Aragorn. They'll want to know about him," the man ordered. The girl, Katie, glared at him for a moment, then darted off into the forest. It was then that James noticed the forest wasn't so dark as before. In fact, it seemed to glow with ethereal light. And the trees-they were gold and silver. James had never seen anything like it before.  
  
"From where do you hail?" the man named Legolas asked him. James absently noticed that this man had pointed ears-like an Elf. But this couldn't be an Elf. ("Pish. This man knows nothing of literature," Eggbert says with a sigh.)  
  
"I come from England, if that's what you mean," James answered. The man nodded, and James became even more aware of the pointed ears. He was getting uncomfortable.  
  
Soon two other men arrived, with the annoying pest of a girl leading them. One had ears like the man names Legolas. The other had a rugged appearance, and seemed weary-almost sad.  
  
"There's the vermin. Can we tie him up and hang him out of a tree? Pleeeeeease?" the girl whined to the rugged man, who was apparently the one with the most authority.  
  
"Aragorn, Haldir," Legolas greeted them. "We found this stranger wandering alone in the forest. I have know idea who he is. He says he comes from a place called England. Katie seems to recognize him though."  
  
"You bet I do. That chicken nugget of a fool is an insult to my race!" Katie cried and hit James with a stick. The rugged man glared at her and grabbed the stick out of her hands, saving James from another stick beating. "You are not human, you little pretty boy. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" ("I agree with this girl. She has a good head on her shoulders!" Eggbert inserts here.)  
  
"Katie....go away. Go play with Emily," Legolas ordered and she stalked off, grumbling. ("They sent the only sane person away!" cries Eggbert is disdain.) The three men turned back to James, eyeing him warily.  
  
"Did you find out where he is from, Legolas?" the second blond man asked Legolas.  
  
"He says he hails from some place called England. I've heard Katie speak of it though," Legolas answered.  
  
"Shouldn't we take him to the Lord and Lady?" the dark haired one asked the other blond. James let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. Didn't they realize that by lying him on the ground like this they were ruining his hair?  
  
"Excuse me. Would you mind telling me who you are? And where I am?" he asked in irritation. The three ignored him and started speaking in a language he didn't understand. This causes him to be greatly annoyed. James was a master at everything, even foreign languages. Being a genius, he HAD to know them all! But this one-it baffled him. He didn't know what it was, and it didn't seem like any other he had learned. Maybe the men were nutcases and were speaking in a made up language? ("No, mate, it's called Elvish. Ever heard of TOLKIEN? Much better genius than you, I assure you," mutters Eggbert.)  
  
Meanwhile, while James was wondering about their language, Haldir, Aragorn, and Legolas were conversing rapidly in Elvish.  
  
Aragorn said, studying the man's clothes.  
  
Haldir said. With that, he turned and swiftly walked between the trees.  
  
Aragorn said to Legolas after a while. He bent over, and poked the man in the shoulder, near his armpit. James shrieked, thinking they were about to tickle him. He was very ticklish. And when he thought someone was going to tickle him, he let out very feminine screams. He didn't know WHY they sounded like they did, but it was how it happened.  
  
Legolas scolded, though he was mildly amused at James's reaction. James only glared at the pair of them.  
  
"That was funny. James Bond screams like a girl. Okay, kids, I'm going to interrogate him, m'kay?" The Girl had returned. And she was armed with another stick. James shot her a dirty look, which she returned with an equally dark one. Legolas and Aragorn shrugged, and nodded to The Girl. It couldn't hurt if she asked him questions.  
  
"I want to know who you all are and what I'm doing here! And where I am!" James demanded, feeling very disgruntled. He was tied up and in the presence of very strange people, one of whom had pointed ears. James was irked, very irked indeed.  
  
"I'm Katie, but that's Captain Lavern to you, stupid. And the blond dude is Legolas. The dark hair dude is Aragorn. And that other guy that was here was Haldir. You're in Lothlorien, and-"  
"Where?" James interrupted.  
  
"Lothlorien. Ever read Tolkien?" James shook his head. "Oh God...you're even more of a bloody idiot then I thought...Anyway, that's where you are. Now, answer my questions."  
  
"Maybe," James snapped, trying to hold his head up so he wouldn't muss his hair. And his nails! They were dirty! There was dirt under his nails and grass smudges on his hands. These people were absolutely barbaric!  
  
"Okies. Answer them all or die. Are you gay?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"ANSWER ME! Are you gay?"  
  
"No!" James cried and gave her a disturbed look. ("LIAR!" Egggbert screeches.) The Girl smirked.  
  
"LIAR!!!!!"  
  
"I'm not gay!"  
  
"Are too! Moving along now...How many girlfriends do you have? ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE PRESIDENT'S WIFE?" James groaned. This was going to be absolute hell. 


	3. James is Accused

DISCLAIMER: Don't own James Bond. If I did I'd do horrible and evil things to him. Like dye his hair bright pink. And stuff. I don't own Lord of the Rings either.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
"Do you scream when I poke your head?" ("He screams period," Eggbert reminds her.)  
  
"No..."  
  
"Can you support that with proof? CAN YOU?"  
  
"Yes! I mean...yes I-oh nevermind this...Can I speak to someone of intelligence yet?" James snapped, looking up at Legolas and Aragorn who seemed to be at least a little sane.  
  
"I AM a person of intelligence! God...you people don't take me into consideration!" The Girl cried haughtily and crossed her arms, glaring down at James. James didn't even know WHY she hated him.  
  
"Haldir should have been back right now," Legolas mused. "Do you think he got lost?" The last bit he said somewhat jokingly.  
  
"I doubt it. He may have run into trouble though..." Aragorn trailed off, raising his eyebrow at Legolas. The Girl glanced between both men.  
  
"Fangirls are indeed big trouble," she said finally, her voice grave. "They will take over Lothlórien, and leave destruction in their wake. Lost daughters of Elrond and Galadriel will claim power in fake woods, with names such as 'Lornenilia' and 'Castronifties.' Little Elven princesses with jacked up names like 'Legolana' and 'Legocilina' will come and try to marry you, mate." Here she pointed at Legolas. "Jealous others will try to kill Arwen and then grab Aragorn while they can. Poor Frodo will have so many people coming with him on his Quest it will hardly be funny anymore. And...and...Middle Earth will be over run by not just the Fangirls. Oh no, there will be fairies and unicorns and mermaids and the like, even though TOLKIEN NEVER PUT THEM IN! Destruction will reign over Middle Earth. I foresee dark times ahead. Very dark times indeed." ("What did I tell you? Smart kid, this one is..." Eggbert says proudly.)  
  
Silence fell after she finished her speech. None of them spoke. It wasn't out of awe though. Legolas and Aragorn were trying not to laugh at her seriousness, and James was simply puzzled at the things she spoke of. He was so confused!  
  
"Erm...Well...could I at least ask some questions?" James inquired after Legolas and Aragorn were sure they weren't going to start giggling madly again. At this, James scoffed. Men were not supposed to...giggle. It was a sign of feminism!  
  
"I'm asking the questions here, buddy. NO INTERRUPTIONS! Now. Next question. Would you get mad if someone castrated you?" The Girl asked quite solemnly. James looked at her in bewilderment. Where did this child learn such things?  
  
"EXCUSE ME?" he finally cried out.  
  
"I'm betting you would...because then you wouldn't be able to...yeah...let's just say you would have to kiss those annoyingly stupid steamy moments between the Sueish girls good-bye. Quite literally in fact," she answered.  
  
"I-I-I don't know what to say to THAT!" he said loudly and indignantly.  
  
Aragorn asked Legolas.  
  
the Elf answered.  
  
"Yeah, well...whatever. I WILL DO IT IF YOU DON'T STOP SENDING LEGOLAS THOSE BLOODY LUSTFUL GLANCES!" The Girl shrieked and pointed an accusing finger at James. ("Caught in the act! I always knew he was gay! Not that I have anything against gay people, but James Bond being gay is just...laughable!" Eggbert says while howling with laughter.) Legolas and Aragorn exchanged worried looks.  
  
"I have done nothing of the sort!" James objected, even though it WAS slightly true. The man-Elf-WAS a little attractive...NO! Wait! James, you can't be thinking things like that, even if he is hott, and-NO! ("Give in to the temptation. I dare you." Eggbert rolls his eyes here.)  
  
"You're doing it again!"  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"YOU ARE! JAMES BOND IS GAY!" She started to laugh maniacally.  
  
"No he's not! I mean-no I'm not!" James protested. This girl was so aggravating! And when James got aggravated, he mussed his appearance.  
  
"Yes you are, ya pansy." James was stopped from answering her because their little discussion was interrupted by someone entering. It was the other blonde man-Elf-coming in. He looked slightly disheveled, as though he'd been in a battle. His hair was wind tossed, and there were a few stains of something blackish on his clothes-almost like blood. ("Hm, I wonder," Eggbert mutters dryly.)  
  
"We had a run in with Orcs near the border. There wasn't very many though, we took care of them," Haldir explained briefly. "I spoke with the Lord and Lady, however. They wish for us to take him to them." The other two nodded and forced James to his feet. The Girl continued to poke his back as they started to walk. 


	4. The Hallucinations of Bond

DISCLAIMER: Don't own LOTR. Don't own Bond. If I did, I'd do all sort of evil things to him for no reason. 

CHAPTER FOUR

_James...what are you doing in my wood..._

James shivered, looking up and around for the voice. Where was it coming from? There were no people around here talking, and his captors were remaining tightlipped. Well, all of them except The Girl. She was babbling on about something that didn't interest James at all.

_You are not meant to be here._

Again, he shivered, and looked around for the person speaking. Who was it? Were these people trying to drive him insane? Maybe it was a form of torture in these parts. He wouldn't give into the torture though! James was strong! He was invincible. ("The last time someone said that they were frozen," Eggbert informs us with a cheeky grin.)

_What are you doing here?_

"Who is doing that?" James whispered finally, putting on a brave face. In truth, he was terrified. He really felt like wetting himself just then. After all, it wasn't every day that you hear voices in you head. 

"Who's doing what?" The Girl asked while poking him. Didn't they hear the voice though? James couldn't be hallucinating! He was too pretty to hallucinate! NO! It wasn't true!

"That voice..." he said, a little unsure. The three men exchanged identical smirks and The Girl just started to cackle manianically. 

"That, Pretty Stupid Boy, is the sound of YOU going insane," she said with another cackle. She promptly started to choke, which caused her to stop cackling. 

"Katie...be silent," Legolas scolded her.

"You are hearing—"

"Radioactive woman," The Girl muttered, then immediately after that let out a little cry and glared upwards. "Okay, okay, I take it back, sorry. Jeez lady, you don't have to put disturbing pictures in my mind..." Legolas chuckled, which caused The Girl to cast him a dark look.

"—the Lady of the Golden Wood," Haldir murmured to James, ignoring The Girl. His answer confused James greatly. Suddenly, they stopped at the foot of an immense tree. Steps leading upward spiraled around the trunk. James hadn't noticed before, but all around them were more trees like said one, though none so grand. ("That's because the Lord and Lady are special, you nitwit," Eggbert inserts.)

"Forward men!" The Girl cried and pushed in front of their group, already starting on the way up. 

"This is gonna take forever...Celeborn and Galadriel REALLY need to install an escalator or something." Aragorn followed her, then Legolas. Haldir went after Legolas, motioning James to 

follow. Still, James hesitated. It could be a trap. ("A little paranoid, aren't we?" Eggbert mutters.)

"Come, sir, the Lord and Lady are waiting," Haldir said firmly and they began to climb up the stairs. 

__

You do not belong in this world.

"Bond is hearing voices again, I know it...Look, he's cringing! He's hearing the Voices! They're speaking to him! What are they saying, Bond, go jump off a cliff? Throw yourself into a river?" The Girl teased him from up ahead, laughing insanely. James grit his teeth and tried to not listen to her. She was so aggravating! He felt like kicking something. Or someone. Preferably The Girl. 

It took James a good fifteen minutes to reach the top of the stairs. The two Elves, Aragorn, and The Girl seemed to manage it fine, but by the time they were half way up he felt ready to faint. How was this happening? He was James Bond! Super-man amongst the 00s! Why couldn't he just waltz up the stairs? ("Because you're a git and the stairs don't like you," Eggbert cries as though it's obvious.)

Finally he reached the top, to find all four of them waiting impatiently on him. He glared at them, and wiped his forehead wearily. Maybe THEY could walk up five hundred steps in record timing, but he sure couldn't.

"Took ya long enough...Ah, don't kill me!" she screeched as James moved to hit her. "Let's let Katie live, savvy?" His only answer was a scowl. Before he could answer though, the room was filled with a sudden ethereal glow. 

***************

Wasn't that fun? Bond is hallucinating...Joy! 


	5. The Girl Reads Minds!

CHAPTER FIVE

James stared, mouth agape, at the two figures approaching. The man and woman shimmered with a sort of angelic glow, that he couldn't quite fully describe. He could only stare as they gracefully descended down several steps. He took one look at the man and had to hide a face of disgust. Did all men here have long blond hair? Did they all ENJOY looking gay or something? ("HEY! No dissing the Lord Celeborn! Cheese head..." Eggbert yells.) Not that he minded some of them looking like that...like Legolas...("STOP THAT YOU WEIRDO!" Eggbert shrieks.)

But the lady...she was absolutely beautiful. Her long blond hair fell down her back, and her blue eyes surveyed James intensely. He gave her his most charming smile, and flirtatious look, envisioning her—("BAD BOND!! BAD, BAD BOND!" Eggbert screams.)

"BOND! You sick perv...STOP THAT!" The Girl cried suddenly. James's head shot up. Could she get into his mind too? That would be awful! She couldn't be left to mess with his pretty head! He was too beautiful for that! ("Moron..." Eggbert mutters.)

"Would you just leave me alone?" he snapped, trying to not let her know that he knew that she could read minds. You should never let the enemy know ANYTHING about you. But then again, that would be hard, seeing as how this enemy could obviously read minds. 

"No. I can't. Because if I did that you would become pervy, and start thinking everyone is gay. And...stuff...about Galadriel. WHICH IS BAD! She's MARRIED, yah know? And her husband is very, very scary when he gets mad. Trust me, I speak from experience. So you really shouldn't even THINK about going there, savvy?" ("Amen!" Eggbert cheers.)

"Can you read minds too?" James asked suspiciously, ignoring her previous comments. 

"N—yeah. Of course I can." She seemed to change her mind half way through her answer. Hm.

"Since what point is she able to read minds?" Legolas asked Aragorn and Haldir. 

"I don't believe she _can_ read minds, my friend," Aragorn mused. Haldir just smirked, exchanging knowing glances with his superiors. He had a pretty good idea of what was going on. 

"Please leave us, sirs, milady," Lord Celeborn said to Aragorn, Legolas, Haldir, and The Girl. All but The Girl seemed to understand this, and the other three bowed and moved toward the stairs.

"What did he say?" The Girl asked dumbly. Her companions sent her a withering look. ("She's not so bright on SOME aspects, but still..." Eggbert says helpfully.)

"He wishes for you to attempt suicide," Haldir said dryly, glancing at his two friends.

"Oh...m'kay. Does anyone have a knife I can borrow? Just for a minute?" The Girl looked to the three of them innocently before all of them disappeared down the steps. "Oh, and Bond, say it with me, 'MUST NOT THINK IMPURE THOUGHTS!'" she called up to him. He scowled at the floor, then looked up at Galadriel. Not Celeborn of course. He didn't like this man. He was the thing that kept him from whisking Galadriel off her feet and—

Celeborn coughed. Did everyone read his mind around here?

"James Bond." Galadriel regarded him with her blue eyes, somewhat coldly. Celeborn seemed to do the same. 

"Yes, ma'am?" He was looking only at Galadriel. "Uh, sir?" He added as an after thought. No need to have him mad at James. ("Too late..." Eggbert mutters.)

"Do you have any theory as to why you are here?" Celeborn inquired curtly. The two beings in front of him stood waiting for his answer. Suddenly, James felt very, very small before them. They were supposedly _Elves_ and he was nothing more than a secret agent. ("Well duh. In fact, you look small and pathetic next to ANYONE," Eggbert scoffs.) 

"No," James answered truthfully. 

"Perhaps there was a break in the Gate-way?" Galadriel looked at her husband, who's eyebrows were drawn up in concern.

"But how could this have occurred without our knowledge?"he murmured.

"However it occurred, the Gate-way must be closed! It cannot be left open to whom ever. We mustn't let these...people wander Middle Earth at random,"she said gravely. He nodded and sighed in frustration. They had just closed the Gate-way! And now it was open again? How could this have happened? And why did it have to be _this_ man? Of all people? Celeborn was getting irritated with the looks the mortal was giving his wife. ("I'm here for yah buddy," Eggbert says sympathetically.)

James, meanwhile, was watching the exchange of Elvish between the two, goggling at Galadriel and sending Celeborn dark looks simultaneously. Galadriel was _much _more prettier than that Legolas character. MUCH. How did she end up with some guy like Celeborn? The man wasn't exactly ugly, but he wasn't very comely in James's opinion at least. No one was as pretty as James! He was the prettiest ever!

"Should we send someone to close it again?" Celeborn looked to Galadriel for her answer. 

"It is the only thing we can do," she replied. "We must do something to close it."

James was still rapidly thinking about Galadriel. He really was the prettiest. So that would mean Galadriel would ditch Celeborn for him, right? Women always choose the prettier man over the ugly one! ("Uh...no...not this one at least, stupid," Eggbert says in disgust.) So Galadriel would definitely pick him. They could go riding off into the sunset and he would carry her away from that geek Celeborn—

"LORD CELEBORN IS NOT A GEEK YOU DORK BRAIN!" Good Lord, he could hear her all the way up in the tree! The Girl's words brought a smirk to Galadriel's and Celeborn's faces, but they quickly hid them before James could catch their expressions. 

James was frustrated with The Girl. She always interrupted his fantasies! She never failed to butt right into the parts that were just about to get good, or he was about to do something absolutely brilliant or brave. Like save Galadriel from her geek husband and carry her off into the sun—

"STOP THINKING HE'S A GEEK FOR GOD SAKES! YOU'RE THE GEEK! IF YOU KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO CARRY _ANYONE_ OFF INTO THE SUNSET BECAUSE YOUR LEGS WILL BE BROKEN!" ("I agree whole-heartedly!" Eggbert cheers.) Blast! That wretched girl! Where did she learn to scream that loudly? And hhat was her problem? And why was everyone reading his mind? WHY? He let out a moan of irritation and rolled his eyes. Galadriel and Celeborn pretended not to notice. 

James cursed under his breath. He swore, he was just going to kill The Girl someday! Honestly, she shouldn't intrude upon his thoughts like she did. She was nothing but a stupid little girl, after all! He should be free to live with his own opinions ("Disturbing opinions," Eggbert corrects.) and not have to worry about an obnoxious brat reading them! He was allowed to imagine Galadriel wearing—

"DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT THOUGHT YOUNG MAN! DON'T YOU DARE!" The Girl screeched from the ground. James started to bang his head against a wall. God have mercy...

**************

Who can guess what's going on with Katie reading minds? Because she certainly can't. Any guesses? It involves Galadriel, for one.

God...this started out as a little fic and yet it's somewhat popular all ready. It IS mucho fun writing though. ^_^

Blade Griffin: lmao! That MUST be the reason. No one would work with Bond for a low salary. NO ONE. 

Dy: *nods her head energetically.* You bet I do. In fact, I loathe him.

Paladin Dragon: Well, he just...annoys me for some reason. And he seems to have a big ego. And he has to many girlfriends. He must not know the meaning of the term "commitment." He also killed Boris. AND the major problem I have with him is he's corrupted my brother's mind and so Andy runs around the house with guns made out of legos, making shooting sounds which drive me up a bloody wall.


	6. James is Marked As a Manslut

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Not James Bond, not LOTR. Only meself and Emily.  
  
CHAPTER SIX  
  
James was finally given food and a place to sleep. Finally. The Elves were really very nice to him after they found out he wasn't some evil villain out to get them. James was insulted at the thought of that, even though he knew perfectly well they had a right to be wary of a stranger. The women hated evil men anyway, and James would never like women to hate him. Actually.Electra didn't mind him even when he was good and SHE was evil.But no, James would not convert. MOST girls liked the good guys. In fact, ALL of them did besides Electra, who was dead. (Eggbert coughs, and glares at James, saying, "I speak on behalf of Katie, who is in a conference with the Prime Minister of the Banana Land and could not make it to say this. She has told me if anything like this occurred, she wanted me to say this one name: Dorian Gray. I will also add to this, and explain. Katie happens to like Dorian Gray. Who was made out an evil guy. Even though it was his evil twin, and there is really a good twin locked up in Evil Dorian Gray's basement. That is all for now.")  
"Will I get to see Galadriel again?" he asked Aragorn and Legolas, who were watching him eat.  
"That's Lady Galadriel to you, cheesy muffin boy." Oh.and The Girl was here too.  
"If you don't mind, would you buzz off," he snapped. She glared at him and threw a random rock at him. James rubbed his head where the rock hit in irritation. She had just moved his hair! His perfectly combed hair had been moved! ("Heaven forbid your hair should move!" Eggbert cries in mock horror.)  
"Would you like something to drink with that?" Legolas offered. James nodded.  
"Martini. Shaken, not stirred," he answered automatically. This got him stares from the Man and Elf.  
"What is this marteenti you speak of?" Aragorn inquired.  
"It's a vile drink that is vile. And vile. And Pepsi Blue is much better," The Girl said snottily. What a snotty.snot! James gave her a disgusted look.  
"Nuh uh, Katie m'dear," called a voice from behind a tree. "Pepsi Blue is disgusting!" A blonde girl stepped out from behind a tree. She smiled sweetly at James, then proceeded to tackle him to the ground. James sighed pleasantly. Finally, his fangirls had returned! The new girl abruptly stood up, and screamed.  
"OH MY GOD! IT'S, LIKE, PIERCE BROSNAN! OHMIGOD, I WANT TO MAAAAAAARRY YOU, PIERCE! YOU ARE LIKE, SOOOO SEXAY! ALL MY FRIENDS LOOOOVE YOU TO DEATH! WE ALL WANT TO MAAAAARRY YOU!" she screeched in a high pitched voice.  
"That's fine with me," James answered happily. This was life!  
SLAP!  
"MAN SLUT!"  
"Excuse me?" James rubbed his red cheek where she slapped him. How could she do that? He was James Bond! The Special One! Girls LOVED him! ("No, actually they don't," Eggbert tells him.)  
"Emily, he can't be a man slut. He's gay!" The Girl told her supposed friend.  
"Then he's a slut with men," Emily answered.  
"Oh.so he's a gay man slut?"  
"Yep!"  
"But you just-" James started to say, confused.  
"I was testing you. To see if you really did have a big ego," Emily explained with disdain. "And you do!"  
"Emily, Katie, leave him alone," Legolas ordered. The girls glared at him and sat down. The Girl started to make faces at James. "Katie!"  
"Sorry."  
"Lying is not something looked highly upon," the blonde Elf said.  
"I'm not lying! I'm seriously sorry!" The Girl insisted with a grin.  
"Sorry that you have to meet this abhorrence, she means," Emily added. ("Me too, boys," Eggbert says, giving Legolas and Aragorn sympathetic looks.)  
"La ba da doom..DOOOOOOOM! DOOOM! Doom shall fall upon those with Pomeranian chinchillas!" The Girl said randomly.  
"Not if the fuzzy hair balls come first!" Emily said haughtily. James buried his face in his hands. One Girl he could barely stand. But two? He would not last till tomorrow if this continued. ("It's okay. Really. They just want to drive you insane enough so you'll throw yourself off a cliff in a last ditch attempt to rid yourself of the pain," Eggbert assures him with an evil cackle.) Legolas and Aragorn seemed to have slipped off. Lucky for them.  
"Pesto is a type of pasta sauce, commonly found in South South Arabia, in the corner of Moscow, which is the capitol of Bosnia," The Girl declared, ignoring her friend's earlier comment about fuzzy hair balls. "The King of Ukraine orders it from the South Southern Arabians, who also sell him nice fluffy horseshoes. The Pesto Sauce he drinks daily in his big white bouncy room, and the fluffy horseshoes he nailed onto his slaves feet and makes them dance in them because he likes the sound of the horseshoes on stone." (Eggbert grins, and says, "That's awesome.")  
"That's wonderful! Do you think he'll nail horseshoes to MY feet if I asked him to?" Emily asked The Girl.  
"Oh, I'm sure. But you'll have to dance for him first. In a chicken suit, of course, which is the official dancing uniform of Ukraine. Here's the King's business card, if you want to give him a ring," The Girl said cheerfully, and picked one of the silvery leaves from the trees and handed it to Emily.  
"Thank you!"  
"No problemo!"  
"Shoot me now," James moaned and started to cry. ("HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HE'S CRYING!" Eggbert yells loudly, howling with laughter.)  
"You hate us!" The Girl squealed joyously.  
"Yay!" Emily added, clapping her hands.  
'Oh yes,' James thought miserably. 'Shoot me this instant.  
  
*********************************  
  
Yay.I updated.*hugs a random tree*  
  
Cotume: *claps* You're so smart! *gives out hugs* That's what she's doings!  
  
Paladin Dragoon: Yeah, it was crazy.but what did you expect? *grins*  
  
Legolas stalker: *gives out more hugs* Yay! You guesseded correctically!  
  
Newmoon: *gives out hugs for the third time* Yesh, tis correct! Exactly what she's doing! I like Katie too. She IS very cool. *Legolas pokes her head and tells her to stop fueling her ego or she'll be as bad as Bond. If that's even possible* 


End file.
